when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
