I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish you could order shots online.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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