Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
