he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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