my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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