Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Text me some of your sweat
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
