The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
