my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Girls should come with a carfax report
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
