she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
