I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
