I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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