I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
