Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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