Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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