you would pick up someone in the library
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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