Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
