I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
