There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
