so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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