Don't make out with my wife yet
Quick, to the slutcave!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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