she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize