he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
