Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
