I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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