I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
