dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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