apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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