Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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