Me. At least after what I've been through.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
