Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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