even my farts smell like vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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