Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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