just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
