There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize