i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
