From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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