this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
