I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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