I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
