Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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