Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
