Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
