my sisters under your porch take her home
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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