So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
