Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
