I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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