dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
