It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
