Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
