Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
