If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
