remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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