dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
