Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I forget how to act sober
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
