happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
