i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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