You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
