it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
