I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
