Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
